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Thread: this is a pretty important read, you guys

  1. #1
    http://www.rodri-go.com/ rodrigo's Avatar
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    this is a pretty important read, you guys

    https://medium.com/comedy-corner/fd08c0babb57

    Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito:


    Have you ever been to Earth?

    On Earth, we use the word ďburritoĒ to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and Iím surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

    Youíre an idiot.

    Let me further explain:

    Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burritoís end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

    Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

    When you eat a burrito, you donít stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans canít usually dislocate their jaws, and Iím not a fucking pelican. But you must think thatís how itís done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

    And guess what else, player? You probably canít guess anything, because Iím pretty sure youíre just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, hereís what:

    Humans also donít eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS IíLL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

    Nope.

    My experience was more like HEY BEANS ITíS JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A FEW MINUTES UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG IíM IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE ITíS NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

    You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

    And donít even fucking think Iím about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THATíS HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THATíS BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

    Whatís that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DONíT WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DONíT WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

    I just want a burrito.

    In conclusion:

    Youíre the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

    UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID ďJUST EAT IT WITH A FORKĒ:

    A fucking fork?

    I DIDNíT ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

    If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

    Thatís like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKERíS GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

    Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. Theyíre called fucking HANDS.

    A fork. My god. I havenít cried since I was six, but Iím fucking sobbing now.

    People eat burritos with forks?

    God is sorry he made us.

    it happened to me once at a friend's house, it was really weird.
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  2. #2
    Taxi Driver Lifestyle_X's Avatar
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    Not that we have burritos over here, but I understand you. Although my biggest problem is the big mess the food always makes because it's too much in a too little bun.
    I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

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  3. #3
    http://www.rodri-go.com/ rodrigo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lifestyle_X View Post
    Not that we have burritos over here, but I understand you. Although my biggest problem is the big mess the food always makes because it's too much in a too little bun.
    you probably just need bigger tortillas. there should be a way for just make em if they don't sell them.
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  4. #4
    Administrator xsecx's Avatar
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    this is why I ask them to mix that shit up. Otherwise you end up taking your chances of what might get. a mouthful of sour cream is not good times.

  5. #5
    ..... straightXed's Avatar
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    I want Burritos now.
    Others walk the bow, I walk the string

  6. #6
    Administrator xsecx's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by straightXed View Post
    I want Burritos now.
    HAHA you live in a third world country without burritos.

  7. #7
    ..... straightXed's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by xsecx View Post
    HAHA you live in a third world country without burritos.
    No i don't?
    Others walk the bow, I walk the string

  8. #8
    Administrator xsecx's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by straightXed View Post
    No i don't?
    you may have things that are called burritos.

  9. #9
    Taxi Driver Lifestyle_X's Avatar
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    Aaaaaww, don't be so hard for Ed.
    I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

    visit http://www.z-spot.be/
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  10. #10
    Administrator xsecx's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lifestyle_X View Post
    Aaaaaww, don't be so hard for Ed.
    whatever, he lives in a world with a lot of stuff I love and can't get.

  11. #11
    ..... straightXed's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by xsecx View Post
    you may have things that are called burritos.
    We have some good burrito places here and I make the best burritos ever.
    Others walk the bow, I walk the string

  12. #12
    Administrator xsecx's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by straightXed View Post
    We have some good burrito places here and I make the best burritos ever.
    I would question the quality of the tortillas you get unless you're making your own.

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    Administrator xsecx's Avatar
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  14. #14
    ..... straightXed's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by xsecx View Post
    I would question the quality of the tortillas you get unless you're making your own.
    I do make my own, not all the time though but you can get a lot of good mexican food stuffs here if you look in the right places.
    Others walk the bow, I walk the string

  15. #15
    Administrator xsecx's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by straightXed View Post
    I do make my own, not all the time though but you can get a lot of good mexican food stuffs here if you look in the right places.
    I'm dubious. You need to plan a visit after we move.

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