XvrheubenvX
03-02-2012, 01:40 PM
This is a question that came up in a conversation with a friend of mine the other day. It requires me to tell a bit of my own story, how sXe saved my life, even after breaking edge in the late nineties. Please bear with me for being longwinded. If you are one of the edge members that believes that breaking edge means you sold out for life, please keep reading. I am not trying to convince you you are wrong about me, or anyone else who broke edge and came back, i just want to talk about what is at stake. If you struggle with addiction this question is especially for you.
I got into straight edge through the drummer of a now defunct local SXE band that i was doing an interview with for a zine. "why DO you smoke?" he asked, very unassuming, and with a genuine curiosity. He really couldn't see what I got out of it. The question, sent me spinning. The very simple and obvious answer (that i know now) was that i was an addict. cigarettes had controlled my life since i stole one of my dad's when i was 15. I was raised by an alcoholic and a smoker and had taken on his crutches rather uncritically. After the interview, i decided to give up smokes and booze, and see what sxe had to offer. for a long time i was in a honeymoon period, i was amazed by both the vibrant energy of the scene, and the commitment to politics, anima rights, and the environment that i held dear but most other "punk rock kids" didn't seem to care about. what i didn't know then was that dropping smokes and booze wasn't as straight forward as it first seemed. I began to struggle with cravings. everyday more and more i was drawn to buy a pack and check out, i sought help and advice from other SXErs but as they were not recovering addicts they had no frame of reference to offer help. My buddy patrick, who himself was a struggling addict began asking me how i dealt with my addictions, and i realized i had no answers. more and more i began to feel isolated, until eventually the addiction took back over. I broke edge after four years and began smoking again. but the SXE kid never left me. I spent most of my time feeling like a fraud, as i worked for political groups, because i knew that being addicted to cigarettes made me a slave to the very same system of capitalist exploitation i chose to work against. There was a long dark self destructive period of my life that lasted from about twenty two til about thirty three where i did everything i could to drowned out the SXE kid inside me who was screaming at me. finally, through my studies ain political philosophy and buddhism, i began to see why and how the matrix of addiction operated, causing me to feel a false sense of safety and avoid the world. roughly two years ago i undertook the five precepts (no harming a living being, no intoxicants, no sexual misconduct, no lying, and no stealing), not as a religious vow, but as a promise to myself to struggle with my addiction and to live vulnerably and openly in the world. while i had broken edge, it was in fact edge , and the lessons i learned and gathered in the scene when i was too young to know what it all meant, that saved my life (literally and metaphorically)and allowed me to find myself in the darkest of all places. for that whether you agree that i am edge or not, i claim it first, because it has always been with me, driving me back to where i needed to be. secondly, i claim edge as a way to offer others with similar stories any help i can give them. Edge to me is a political, social, ethical, and human responsibility that i owe others.for myself living free and openly struggling with my addiction leads me to want to help those that i see suffering. when smokers ask me how i quit, i recommend books, i talk to them and i try to plant the very same seeds that SXe planted in me. SXE made me see the dangers of intoxication culture when i needed it most, when i was stuck in it up to my fucking neck.
that being said, the question that arose between my friend and i was this: what are some ways that edgers can help people who are trapped in the mazes of addiction? benefit shows for rehab clinics? AA tables at shows? or should we even bother with it? having AA/NA members speak at SXE shows?
i realize this question is lame, but it started a long chain of thought in my head, based largely on my experiences as a SXE kid and an addict, and again i had no good answers for my friend. sorry this post was so long.
I got into straight edge through the drummer of a now defunct local SXE band that i was doing an interview with for a zine. "why DO you smoke?" he asked, very unassuming, and with a genuine curiosity. He really couldn't see what I got out of it. The question, sent me spinning. The very simple and obvious answer (that i know now) was that i was an addict. cigarettes had controlled my life since i stole one of my dad's when i was 15. I was raised by an alcoholic and a smoker and had taken on his crutches rather uncritically. After the interview, i decided to give up smokes and booze, and see what sxe had to offer. for a long time i was in a honeymoon period, i was amazed by both the vibrant energy of the scene, and the commitment to politics, anima rights, and the environment that i held dear but most other "punk rock kids" didn't seem to care about. what i didn't know then was that dropping smokes and booze wasn't as straight forward as it first seemed. I began to struggle with cravings. everyday more and more i was drawn to buy a pack and check out, i sought help and advice from other SXErs but as they were not recovering addicts they had no frame of reference to offer help. My buddy patrick, who himself was a struggling addict began asking me how i dealt with my addictions, and i realized i had no answers. more and more i began to feel isolated, until eventually the addiction took back over. I broke edge after four years and began smoking again. but the SXE kid never left me. I spent most of my time feeling like a fraud, as i worked for political groups, because i knew that being addicted to cigarettes made me a slave to the very same system of capitalist exploitation i chose to work against. There was a long dark self destructive period of my life that lasted from about twenty two til about thirty three where i did everything i could to drowned out the SXE kid inside me who was screaming at me. finally, through my studies ain political philosophy and buddhism, i began to see why and how the matrix of addiction operated, causing me to feel a false sense of safety and avoid the world. roughly two years ago i undertook the five precepts (no harming a living being, no intoxicants, no sexual misconduct, no lying, and no stealing), not as a religious vow, but as a promise to myself to struggle with my addiction and to live vulnerably and openly in the world. while i had broken edge, it was in fact edge , and the lessons i learned and gathered in the scene when i was too young to know what it all meant, that saved my life (literally and metaphorically)and allowed me to find myself in the darkest of all places. for that whether you agree that i am edge or not, i claim it first, because it has always been with me, driving me back to where i needed to be. secondly, i claim edge as a way to offer others with similar stories any help i can give them. Edge to me is a political, social, ethical, and human responsibility that i owe others.for myself living free and openly struggling with my addiction leads me to want to help those that i see suffering. when smokers ask me how i quit, i recommend books, i talk to them and i try to plant the very same seeds that SXe planted in me. SXE made me see the dangers of intoxication culture when i needed it most, when i was stuck in it up to my fucking neck.
that being said, the question that arose between my friend and i was this: what are some ways that edgers can help people who are trapped in the mazes of addiction? benefit shows for rehab clinics? AA tables at shows? or should we even bother with it? having AA/NA members speak at SXE shows?
i realize this question is lame, but it started a long chain of thought in my head, based largely on my experiences as a SXE kid and an addict, and again i had no good answers for my friend. sorry this post was so long.